I wish

Sometimes, I get sad.

Sometimes, I let the inner voice that hates me get the best of me.

That’s pretty much where I am right now. I’m sad. And that inner voice is really brutal at the moment. The worst part about her is the fact that, well, she isn’t lying. She tells the truth. She screams the hardest truths that I try to ignore and pretend aren’t there. She’s angry and she’s mean.

I wish I could fix all that she says is wrong. I wish I had that strength. I wish I could prove her wrong. Even more, I wish I could believe it when other voices, outside voices, tell me the opposite.

I wish feeling this way didn’t make me feel so guilty, too. Feeling guilty for being so unhappy when I have so much good in my life. Feeling guilty for not being able to do more for those around me. Feeling guilty for being so selfish and making my husband hurt because he thinks he’s done something wrong or because he can’t make me feel better. Feeling guilty for hurting him and making him sad because I feel this way.

I wish I could be more memorable. I wish I cold be desireable. I wish I could be sexy and seductive. I wish I could be the woman my husband deserves, who he really wanted, and not just someone I feel he settled for. He should have better than me.

I wish I was more understanding, loving, and compassionate. I wish I was less of a victim in how I perceive my life. I wish I could feel like I deserve to be loved. I wish…

I wish…

I just…

I wish.

Stories

This blog has been a pretty depressing one so far.

I’m sorry.

I’m not always into showing everyone that I am not 100% happy-go-lucky all the time. It’s like showing people that I’m normal. Psht, who wants me to be normal? Where’s the fun in that. 😉 But, well, that’s pretty much the point of this blog; for me to feel safe enough to show that side of myself. So, yeah. Thankfully, I don’t post on this one much, eh?

So, now you know I’m not all sunshine and rainbows. And I’m not all doom and gloom either. There is at least one more side to me. 🙂

Contrary to popular belief (a belief I have tried to engrain into everyone around me because, apparently, I don’t want people to think I’m normal), I am a bit of a romantic.

There it is. I admit it.

I’m not 100% sappy either! I don’t like roses, or chocolate (wait, I love chocolate. Just not given to me in this context), or jewelry for presents, or blah blah blah.

I’m one for finding something special between 2 people. Things that create inside jokes and bring back fond memories…I’m all about the little things. A perfect date for me would be me and my fella cooking dinner together, either going on a walk on a cool night and talking or just staying in and talking while being snuggled up together, and then (as random as this will be), reading to each other. I love stories. Especially when other people read to me. It would be incredibly sweet.

I have my moments. I can be as sappy as the next girl. I just don’t want to be typical. I want something special. I’m greedy like that. 🙂 I want a good story. And I don’t just want it for me. It’s something that I want someone to happily share with a special man. I want him to know he’s special too. To me. So I’ll do all I can to let him know just how amazing he really is.

One day.

Whenever he comes along.

I hope all of those who happen upon this have someone they’re making endearing stories with. Or at least hope that the time will soon come that they will be blessed with such a gift. Whatever you do, let those people know what they mean to you. Sometimes, that is the greatest memory of all and makes for the sweetest story we’ll ever tell.

If you’re willing to share, I’d love to hear some of the memories you’ve had that make your relationship special to you. What are some of your stories?

I want to break free

I want everyone to know right now that I love my family dearly. We have been through so very much together and I definitely would NOT be the woman I am today without everything I have gone through because of and with them. But there comes a time when people have to let go of the things that they feel obligated to because they hurt more than anything else. It’s not healthy.

My family doesn’t try to hurt me. They just don’t take care of themselves and, well, I try to fix it all because they tell me they need me to. It’s what my life has been up to this point. It’s what they expect of me.

There was a brief time where things started to change to the proper order. But it was only while I was a mess in Virginia, for those three months, that I got to be the daughter and not the mother/therapist for once in my life (to at least one side of my family anyway). Now things are back to the way they were. Only now, they’re taking things to a level I didn’t think they’d ever reach. I’m in a better place in almost every way but there’s always something that someone “needs” from me because they can’t/won’t do it for themselves. It’s like, when I have an ounce, they need a pound and expect me to be able to provide that.

I don’t understand how people can hurt others as easily as they do. Especially those they claim to love. And I’m not talking about anyone hurting me. I’m talking about the things they do to each other. I don’t know why people feel the need to manipulate, scheme, steal, tear down, break up relationships, deny others of love, or any other such sadistic things to those around them. Maybe I’m just too naive. I know that I have all of that pulsing through my veins. There are times when I feel it would be so easy just to be mean and get what I want right now. There are times that I think of things to say that could really cut someone to the core. There are times where I just want to slap someone to have them feel what they’re doing to me. It makes me feel so awful when I think that way. And it worries me because I know how powerful thoughts can be. They turn into actions so quickly. I’m just a human after all.

I am, however,  so grateful that Heavenly Father has blessed me with the self control and logic that I have that I am able to keep myself in check most of the time and realize a lot of the consequences of my actions before I do anything too hastily.

But I have to ask, is it bad of me that all I want is a family of my own? A family where love abounds and is unconditional? I don’t expect perfection. I expect things to be hard and to have trials, but I also expect to have someone who will listen to me as much as I listen to them. I expect to hold someone and to be held. I expect to be a shoulder for someone to cry on and to be willing to let me cry too. I’m so tired of always being strong and not being able to have any peace of my own. I’m so tired of apologizing and feeling ridiculous for crying. I’m so tired of having to be the comforter when I need to be comforted. And I’m tired of feeling selfish for wanting my needs to be met.

I just want to break free from the pain and illness that I feel because of the guilt that courses through me because I’m too weak and unable to do what my family is requiring of me to do.

But I don’t know how. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I have it in me to just let them go and learn for themselves.

Who are you first?

A friend of mine asked me once, “Are you a swing dancer who’s a person? Or a person who swing dances?” Anyone who knows me in the slightest knows how much I love dancing. It’s one of the greatest passions in my life. And when he posed these questions to me, I didn’t see much of a difference between the two. I said, “Aren’t they the same thing?”

Answer? No, they’re not.

What he really wanted to know was what was most important to me. Who am I first?

As I’ve looked back and remembered that question, it’s made me really think about subtleties and how easy it is to miss really important things and misunderstand other people, and ourselves, by not caring enough to pay greater attention to things or to just not taking the time to dig a little further.

So I am asking you, “Who are you first?” Are you a thing you do? Are you what others perceives you as? Are you something you hope to accomplish? Are you a dream? Are you a person? What is most important to you that that is how you define yourself? Why do you define yourself this way?

There’s not a right or a wrong answer to this. I hope no one takes this query that way and becomes scared to answer. I really want to know who you feel you are. My answer to this question has changed many times since it was asked to me. My understanding of myself and my reasoning for my answer have changed my definition of who I am and have settled me on my current answer. My answer will change again as my circumstances change. My focus will be in different areas and my understanding of where I stand in the world will change too. Who I am first will be different as I go on, sometimes changing as often as I change my cloths. It’s the way life goes. Choices, experiences, other people influence us and the importance of things in our lives.

I’m really interested to see who you are. I really want to know where your focus is. Who are you first? And why?

My answer to this question right now is “I am a person who swing dances. I am a person who loves music. I am a person who loves her family and friends. I am a person who will give all that she can. But, at this moment, I am a person first.”

That’s who I am. For now.

God Sees the Big Picture

God is good.

A friend of mine reminded me of this just a few days ago. I knew she was smiling when she said this. Knowing that made me smile. She had been so unsure of that for so long that my heart swelled with happiness and peace knowing that she has begun to find that peace in her life.

It blessed me with relief and peace while reminding me that He really is there and He has everything under control. It was simply said and simply put and done when most people probably wouldn’t have even cared to catch it. But I did catch it. I needed it right then.

But sometimes, relief and peace fade. Sometimes we become forgetful that we don’t always get to know why things happen the way that they do, or for what reason. Sometimes bad things happen to good people.

My dear friend, Elizabeth, for instance, is a beautiful, talented, funny, intelligent woman. She is a real catch and an angel in the flesh. She was married for 7 years, had 4 beautiful and amazing boys, and seemed to have a life worth envying. Not perfect, but one that seemed happy and what sitcoms are made of. Little did I know that her husband was not what ANY of us thought he was. He decided to have an affair with his sister-in-law, as in his wife’s brother’s spouse. He left his entire family and destroyed another one to satisfy his selfish wants. He is slandering Elizabeth’s family and is blaming her and her family for what happened. He is refusing to take any responsibility. He is not doing anything for his boys; no child support, not visiting them on the days he’s been allotted by the courts, not even calling on the boys’ birthdays and holidays. And yet he is dragging the divorce on, saying he wants custody of the boys because “Elizabeth is neglectful”, that he is the best parent for them and that they need to know what a “real, loving environment is like.” I don’t understand

I feel that in Elizabeth’s case, she made a good choice in him 7 years ago. He was a good man then. But he gave up. He tossed all of it away to satisfy his greed. She would have done everything to help make things right. She’s strong enough and would have carried him through if he would have talked to her, let her know what was going on, asked her for her forgiveness and help. She could have been his saving grace.

I’m very proud of her for being so strong. I’m proud of her for learning just how strong she really is. I’m proud of her that, even though she got dealt the shortest end of the stick in this situation, she hasn’t forgotten who she is, and she has grasped a hold of God, her family, and her friends and has decided that she is beautiful, loving, and worthy of good things to come. Her reward, I’m sure, will be great. But the struggles she has to face now? Who would have ever thought? No one saw this coming.

My friend, Christine, baffles me. She is one of the smartest people I have ever met. She is a scientist. She is getting her PhD at the University of Utah and working toward finding different ways to help the environment and finding genuinely useful, alternative energy options. She also has the least amount of common sense of anyone I have ever met. I’ve never been able to understand how someone can be so intelligent and not be smart at all. She makes some of the most asinine decisions of anyone I have ever met, especially for someone who is confident in who they are and, to what I thought at least, had no problems with her self-image. She chooses the worst men. Men that belittle her, are lazy, would physically hurt her, who emotionally beat her within inches of her life. She always tells me that she wants to save these men,  that “they just need love and she can give them that. She can make them see how good they really are.”  I wish she could and would look at herself even just 2 years ago and compare herself to where she is now. I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t even recognize who she is in most ways.

We are creatures made to belong to one another, but, ultimately, (and to be honest, I really wish she would read this and that she would actually understand it) we are responsible for our own happiness. We can, and at times we MUST, ask for help from those around us, and we can help those that stand in need of our help, but we can’t save someone else. She feels responsible for these men. She feels that if they fail, then it’s all her fault. So she allows them to do these awful things to her. And she is being sucked dry.

I have tried so hard with Christine to help her understand so many different truths. And I think at those times she has tried to absorb from me what had been taken from her in heaps because she needs to replenish. I would leave her home hopeful, yet drained in almost ever facet. I would see her a few days to a week later, or talk with her on the phone, and it would almost always be like my words were vapor. They disappeared before even leaving my mouth. And feeling like that after talking with her exhausted me and hurt me deeply. It has started to put me in a place of doubt with her. I miss her sincerity. I miss her drive. I miss my friend.

And then there’s my sister, Arae. My dearest friend. One of my Angels. She doesn’t realize how much she has been a blessing in my life. She has dealt with so much. It has made her one of The Strongest people I know. And yet, she keeps getting more and more placed on her shoulders. I really think she has something great ahead of her. Something that she needs to be deeply refined for. She keeps getting thrusted ever more deeply into the hottest parts of the fire.

She’s going to have a baby in October. Tristan Neil Wyatt. Her first son. But he is very sick. He has a bad heart. It’s looking more and more likely that there may not be any options for surgeries or any other sort of treatment. He will probably go very quickly as a matter of fact. Its almost as if the more all of us pray for a miracle, the quicker it is that he is going to go back home to Heavenly Father and Jesus. He must be so perfect. He gets to skip this hard, hard life. But he’ll take home with him a little bit of all of our hearts. The hardest part of all of this is knowing that he’s safe in his mommy’s tummy. His heart works there. He’s moving. He’s happy.

Who knows, maybe we’ll get lucky. Maybe he’s stronger than we can hope for. Maybe he’ll surprise us. Is there a use in hoping for these things?

She is such a good woman. I don’t know how she can handle this. I can’t even understand having a child yet, let alone comprehending losing a child.  I don’t want to ever think about planning a funeral for a child before even giving birth to it.

I can’t write about this anymore. My heart feels cut so far in and its not even happening to me.

I look at these 3 examples and I wonder at the chaos in the world. I want to scream for justice! I just break down and cry. And then I begin to wonder, “Who am I? Why am I at ease? I see their worth and strength and all that they deserve. Can I help? Can I take some of the pain for them? What more can I do?”

And there isn’t anymore I can do. Its not for me to do.

I thank God for knowing all of us. I thank Him for loving us and letting us learn. He knows who we are even when we don’t. He knows who we will become. He knows where our limits are. He won’t ever push us beyond that even though He’ll push us to the brink. I know that. But He will let us suffer. He will help us learn. He will give us every hard opportunity to allow us the choice of gaining what He has and is.

This little bit of comfort seems so small in comparison to what I just showed you. I know. I’m sorry. I wish I could give you more peace and a happy ending. But this is life. Sometimes, we don’t get to understand. Sometimes, we bring it on ourselves. Sometimes, its just out of our hands.  But there’s more than just this moment. There’s more than what I see now. We are all more than what we think we are. Because God loves us and knows us.

Because God sees the big picture.

I just wish I could too.

A Mad World

Life can be really out of hand sometimes.

My life at the moment is good. I am very taken care of. I thank God for this. Everything seems so chaotic around me though.

People I love are dealing with things I can’t even begin to comprehend. I look at all of them and am amazed at how much they can handle. I love them more and more every day. And I cry for them for the pain they have to know.

Marriages failing, people making ridiculous decisions, parents losing children…it’s beyond my realm of understanding and all of this is happening to people I am very close to. And yet, here I am. Safe. Secure. Going along my way. Its all so close and yet still so far away.

I’ve been wondering why my problems are so superficial, minuscule even, in comparison to the tragedies surrounding me.

Maybe I should be more grateful. Who wants to go through Hell? Why am I setting myself up for some great disaster when I can be doing something for the travesties around me?

I’m wondering if, maybe, the reason why my life is comfortable right now is because I can be a cushion for those around me. Everyone is going through so much but I am content. I’ve always been a good listener. I am so grateful God has blessed me with such a talent. Maybe my ease is to allow me to be available at almost any given moment. It’s not a lot. Is it enough? Is there more I can do? If so, please, tell me what.

Its such a crazy world.

A mad world.